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• Re: Viable alternatives to Toddler Taming
  Deborah Shanks
  Published on: 4 July 2014
• Viable alternatives to Toddler Taming
  Ellen M. Storm
  Published on: 24 June 2014

• Published on: 4 July 2014

  Re: Viable alternatives to Toddler Taming

  • Deborah Shanks

  Dear Ellen,

  Thank you for your letter and the many alternative recommended books, it is a fascinating topic. My opinions were mainly personal and parenting styles are a personal choice and differ greatly. I would however wish to reply firstly to your comments on the 'controlled crying' technique. This is not 'prolonged, unrelieved stress', it is a well researched technique of managing sleep behaviours where the...

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  Dear Ellen,

  Thank you for your letter and the many alternative recommended books, it is a fascinating topic. My opinions were mainly personal and parenting styles are a personal choice and differ greatly. I would however wish to reply firstly to your comments on the 'controlled crying' technique. This is not 'prolonged, unrelieved stress', it is a well researched technique of managing sleep behaviours where the baby learns to ' self settle', an essential tool in becoming independent from one's parent. Poor sleep leads to many problems for parents and children and this technique works but must be used in a 'controlled' way. Many parents choose not to use it. The 'rope trick' is quirky but again it is a safe behavioural approach to moving a child from a cot into a bed with support from the parent from outside the room. A stair gate works in a similar way to stop children falling down stairs but can be easily scaled at this later age. I think most parents hope to produce loved, confident and independent children and there are many ways to do this. I would contest however that as an adult parent at times this must involve exerting your will over the child's, especially when their or another's safety is at risk. I think the most important thing when we as parents make our choices and give advice on parenting is that the child's best interests are at heart and that the techniques are safe and if possible evidence based.

  Regards

  Deborah Shanks

  Conflict of Interest:

  None declared

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  Conflict of Interest:
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• Published on: 24 June 2014

  Viable alternatives to Toddler Taming

  • Ellen M. Storm, Paediatric Trainee

  I read with interest Deborah Shanks' article on the book Toddler Taming by Christopher Green (Vermilion, 2006). Senior colleagues recommended that I read this book during my community paediatric placement, and several of my peers also told me they found it useful both personally and professionally.

  I would like to offer an alternative for those who, like me, seek gentler, more compassionate parenting methods, a...

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  I read with interest Deborah Shanks' article on the book Toddler Taming by Christopher Green (Vermilion, 2006). Senior colleagues recommended that I read this book during my community paediatric placement, and several of my peers also told me they found it useful both personally and professionally.

  I would like to offer an alternative for those who, like me, seek gentler, more compassionate parenting methods, and would prefer to recommend these to patients too. Happily, many excellent books exist which address this need and the evidence in support of its application.

  Controlled crying may be effective in achieving the desired outcome, but if it works by inducing a state of learned helplessness following prolonged, unrelieved distress, then it surely cannot be recommended.

  In her well researched and extensively referenced book Why Love Matters (Routledge, 2004), Sue Gerhardt, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and founder of the Oxford Parent Infant Project (1), comments in her chapter Corrosive Cortisol that (p.66-73): "the stress response system is affected by how much early stress it has to deal with, and how well the system is helped to recover [...] a well-resourced and well-regulated infant becomes a child and adult who can regulate himself or herself well. [...]Probably the most stressful experience of all for a baby or toddler is to be separated from his or her mother or caregiver, the person who is supposed to keep him or her alive. "

  A more readable alternative with plenty of photographs and diagrams is child psychotherapist Margot Sunderland's What Every Parent Needs to Know: The Remarkable Effects of Love, Nurture and Play on Your Child's Development (Dorling Kindersley, 2006). In this she explains (p.38-42) how periods of prolonged, uncomforted distress can develop an over-sensitive stress-response system, resulting in a constant sense of threat and anxiety in later life, with the associated potential for depression, addictive behaviours and stress-related physical illness.

  Our children are not animals to be tamed. They are human beings with valid feelings and needs. However difficult it may be (I am the parent of three-year-old twins: I know how difficult it can be), it remains the responsibility of parents to consider and respond promptly to those feelings and needs, day and night. Issues of maternal isolation within the nuclear family in our western culture are clearly relevant here, but beyond the scope of this letter.

  In addition the conflict between healthcare professionals and those advocating attachment parenting styles as regards the issue of co-sleeping and the risk of infant death must be noted. The imperative to put babies to sleep on their backs in their own cots, which goes against the instincts of both mothers and babies, results in crying babies and exhausted parents, and when help is sought from doctors there may be a strong felt pressure to supply a functional solution. Bedside co-sleepers, or a cot next to the parents' bed are safe alternatives to full co- sleeping that enable a baby's needs to be met to a far greater extent than if they are put to sleep in the next room. For older children full or partial co-sleeping represents a viable option, and toddlers may prefer to sleep in their parents' bedroom for some time.

  Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Puddledancer Press 2003), and its companion title Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way (Puddledancer Press 2005), by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD offers a practical framework for approaching a multitude of parenting issues, and is also a useful tool for positive communication in clinical settings. In his introduction to the latter, Rosenberg comments (p.1): "I'd first like to call your attention to the danger of the word "child", if we allow it to apply a different quality of respect than we would give to someone who is not labeled a child."

  Imprisoning children in their bedrooms (the 'rope trick') solely because they wish to leave and their parents or carers do not want them to, is an example of one human being exerting their will over another by means of force (to be distinguished from the protective use of force that is sometimes necessary to prevent an individual from causing harm to themselves or others), and by virtue of their greater size and strength. Such behaviour would likely be illegal were it perpetrated on another adult, and would certainly constitute an infringement of their basic human rights.

  In her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves (Book Publishers Network, 2005), Naomi Aldort PhD offers an alternative to commonly taught coercive parenting practices, stating that (p.xiv-xv): "Most parents already know how to control children gently; what we don't know is how NOT to control them and live in peace and joy with them. We know such gentle controls as natural consequences, an agreed-upon "non-punitive" timeout, engaging cooperation, bribes, and praise. Yet obedience, compliance, and even engaged co-operation mean the child succumbs to the will of the adult, even if she seems content to do so (because she wants your love and she is relieved to earn it). [...] An autonomous child, whose life flows in her direction, acts productively because she wants to. [...] [...] giving up her will is the cause of most of the difficulties with children.

  References:

  1. Oxford Parent Infant Project: http://www.oxpip.org.uk/ Accessed on 25th May 2014.

  Conflict of Interest:

  None declared

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  Conflict of Interest:
  None declared.

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